Love & Gratitude
As I ended my last blog with thoughts of love and gratitude, here is my exploration on both.
Love is defined in the dictionary “strong affection for another rising out of kinship and personal ties”.
Interesting enough, the word “LOVE” is used in the Big Book 23 times and 35 times in the AA Book 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. To me, that means that the Big Book introduces me to love, the love for the program, for my fellows, for my family. As a practising addict my love was for my compulsion of food, and myself. And it was conditional: “If one loves me they would/would not .....”. The Big Book opens the door to a new love: The love of fellows, the love of my home group, the love to give back, the love of service, the love of a healthy body and the love to be free to love unconditionally. Love allows me to vulnerable, asks me to let go of control, look at someone I dislike/resent with the love and compassion of caring for a sick person: Pg. 66 “This was our course: We realized that the people who wrong us were perhaps spiritually sick”. Wow. All of a sudden, I can look at a family member, who I despise, with compassion and nonjudgmental about their spiritual condition. Yet, MY HEART is set free. Very powerful transition with one sentence. A prayer? Yes. I struggled with prayer for most of my early recovery – until I was able to separate the ritual of prayer from the covenant of prayer. The ritual sets me free – changing my mind set from the problem (I dislike this individual) to the solution (This person like me is spiritually sick). There are some newly adapted versions of the sick man’s prayer available. Oh wow. They are sick like me. How would I like be treated being sick? With love, compassion, understanding and patience? Bingo. Yes. My opportunity to love, be compassionate, understanding and patient. It does not mean this individual needs to turn immediately into my favourite family member – what it means is that I am set free from the resentment to be open to choice. When I am in resentment, I have no choice. I dislike and justify.
The AA 12&12 explores the opportunities for love on a broader spectrum. Each step and tradition is shared in an essay. An essay based on Bill W’s experience in program, group and life. His thoughts and interpretation. His growth reflection. Love is everywhere if I allow it to be present.
“But its object is always the same: to improve our conscious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom and love.” (Pg. 101 – Step 11)
When I love, I am complete in God’s grace. Grace the gift. Again, to me God just is. The everlasting energy present. No gender. No religion or doctrine attached. I am exploring Tao, the always presence within me. Freedom. My object is to love, to bring love and to let go of my need to receive love. I receive by giving what has been freely given to me.
Gratitude. A bit more challenging to cross reference it in AA literature. Gratitude itself is mentioned once in the AA 12&12 in step 10. “An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.”
A genuine gratitude for blessings received....Everything is a blessing. Every lesson I learn. Every loss. The blessing to feel my feelings without going into my compulsion, my addiction aka my negative coping mechanism (more to follow on that).
Gratitude produces a different mindset. A positive mindset. An example. I travel quite a bit. My plan was to attend the Overeaters Anonymous World Service Convention in Boston in 2016. As it is about a 9 hour drive from my home to Boston, I considered driving, but did not want to drive alone, as part of the drive is in quite isolated country. I reached out to fellows, but everyone who planned to attend that I spoke to, decided to fly. As soon as I made a decision to be grateful to have the time and means to fly, all my resources opened up. My departing flight from my home town to Montreal/Canada was delayed. I ran and rushed to the next gate (which included passport and luggage check) as I had less than one hour for my connection to a US flight, only to find out that my flight from Montreal to Boston was delayed by about one hour. A wonderful opportunity for me to have a meal. The restaurant staff commented on my positive attitude despite the delayed flight. I was grateful to have the extra time for a meal and the delay caused me to miss rush hour in Boston. A double winner. A blessing received. I could have focused on the negative, yet I chose to be grateful.
I want to go back to the resented family member. How can I find gratitude? I can be grateful that I have a choice not to behave like this individual. I chose kindness, I chose humour, I chose love. I am grateful that I am positive and let go of the negative.
Love and gratitude are closely connected for myself. They complete each other. My life will never be perfect and honestly I have no met anyone with a perfect life. I had the privilege of listening to Step 5 often. Usually there is at least one individual that my protege sees as perfect and resent that. When I ask what is or makes it perfect the answer is “I don’t know”. I am not perfect. I don’t strive to be perfect.
But I learn to be complete. Complete in my program by living in steps 10, 11 and 12, complete in my life for today, with the opportunity to complete another day tomorrow when I rest my head on my pillow for the night. Complete for now. Feel free to comment or reach out to me at millieoapp@outlook.com
Love and Gratitude.....
As I ended my last blog with thoughts of love and gratitude, here is my exploration on both.
Love is defined in the dictionary as “strong affection for another rising out of kinship and personal ties”.
Interesting enough, the word “LOVE” is used in the Big Book 23 times and 35 times in the AA 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. To me, that means that the Big Book introduces me to love--the love for the program, for my fellows, for my family, for a power greater than myself. Before program as a practicing addict, my love was for myself and for my compulsion for food; and it was conditional: “If one loves me they would/would not .....”.
The Big Book opens the door to a new love: The love of fellows, the love of my home group, the love to give back, the love of service, the love of a healthy body and the love to be free to love unconditionally. Love allows me to feel vulnerable, asks me to let go of control, then look at someone I dislike/resent with the love and compassion of caring for a sick person. Pg. 66: “This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.” Wow. All of a sudden, I can look at a family member, whom I despise, with compassion and be non-judgmental about their spiritual condition. MY HEART is set free. Very powerful transition with one sentence. A prayer? Yes.
I struggled with prayer for most of my early recovery – until I was able to separate the ritual of prayer from the covenant of prayer. The ritual sets me free, changing my mindset from the problem (I dislike this individual) to the solution (This person, like me, is perhaps spiritually sick). There are some newly adapted versions of the sick man’s prayer available. Oh wow! They are possibly sick like me! How would I like to be treated being sick? With love, compassion, understanding and patience? Absolutely! Yes. Here us my opportunity to be loving, compassionate, understanding, and patient. It does not mean this individual needs to turn immediately into my favourite family member – what it means is that I am set free from the resentment and to be open to choice. When I am in resentment, I have no choice. I dislike and justify.
The AA 12&12 explores the opportunities for love on a broader spectrum. Each step and tradition in this book is shared in an essay based on Bill W’s experience in program, group, and life. He shares his thoughts and interpretations. He reflects on his own growth. Love is everywhere if I allow it to be present.
“But its object is always the same: to improve our conscious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom, and love.” (Pg. 101 – Step 11)
When I love, I am complete in the gift of God’s grace. Again, to me God just is. The everlasting energy present. No gender. No religion or doctrine attached. I am exploring Tao, the “always presence” within me. Freedom. My object is to love, to bring love and to let go of my need to receive love. I receive by giving what has been freely given to me.
Gratitude is a bit more challenging to cross reference in the BB and AA 12&12. Gratitude itself is mentioned once in the AA 12&12 in step 10: “An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.”
A genuine gratitude for blessings received....Everything is a blessing. Every lesson I learn and every loss is a blessing. It is a blessing to feel my feelings without going into my addiction, aka my negative coping mechanism (more to follow on that).
Gratitude produces a different mindset, a positive one.
For example, I travel quite a bit. My plan was to attend the Overeaters Anonymous World Service Convention in Boston in 2016. As it is about a 9-hour drive from my home to Boston, I considered making the drive, but did not want to drive alone. Part of the drive is in quite isolated country. I reached out to fellows, but everyone I spoke to had decided to fly. As soon as I made a decision to be grateful to have the time and means to fly, all my resources opened up! My departing flight from my hometown to Montreal/Canada was delayed. I rushed to the next gate (which included passport and luggage check), as I had less than one hour for my connection to a US flight, only to find out that my flight from Montreal to Boston was delayed by about one hour. It turned into a wonderful opportunity for me to have a meal. The restaurant staff commented on my positive attitude despite the delayed flight. I was grateful to have the extra time for a meal, and the delay caused me to miss rush hour in Boston. I considered myself a double winner. It turned out to be a blessing received, because I chose it as a blessing. I could have focused on the negative, yet I chose to be grateful.
I want to go back to the resented family member. How can I find gratitude? I can be grateful that I have a choice not to behave like this individual. I choose kindness, I choose humour, I choose love. I am grateful that I am positive and have the ability to let go of the negative.
Love and gratitude are closely connected for myself. They complete each other. My life will never be perfect, and honestly I have not met anyone with a perfect life. I have had the privilege of listening to Step 5 often. Usually there is at least one individual that my protege sees as perfect, and she resents that. When I ask: “What is it that makes someone perfect the answer is “I don’t know”. I am not perfect. I don’t strive to be perfect.
But I learn to be complete--complete in my program by living in steps 10, 11 and 12, complete in my life for today, with the opportunity to complete another day tomorrow when I rest my head on my pillow for the night. For now I am complete.
Emotional Sobriety - The NEW Normal?
Hello fellows,
Hmm – you might wonder? The new normal. We experienced a new normal with the onset of the pandemic. Local meetings had to close down; workshops, conventions, events, gathering were cancelled. A new challenge and a new opportunity set in. How could we stay abstinent from our addiction? How could we gather while respecting laws and the havoc of the pandemic. Online – wow. A new format, becoming more popular, the only option for a time..... A new normal.
NORMAL shows up in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous (aka BB) 17 times – 17 times of normal, new normal experiences that Bill W and the first 100 shared with us.
What is normal? As per Merriam Webster the definition for normal is conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern : characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine
Normal, typical, usual, routine...
What is normal for an addict? Pretty simple. I have a problem, I feel I am losing control, I go to my compulsion. I truly believe, that as a compulsive eater, I cannot be abstinent from food (and yes, I am open to discussion on white flour and sugar – which then named are substances).... yet I can be abstinent from the compulsion. The compulsion to overeat, undereat, restrict, purge and obsess over food and body image. The freedom from the compulsion is a gift of working the steps, living in steps 10, 11 and 12 and having a power greater than myself, that I chose to call the God of my non-understanding. God is. When I try to understand the “ungodly” things that happen on this earth, I question God, I question reality ......I want to control....fear sets in.....the cycle begins. A God of my non-understanding allows me to be free of the need to control......
In January 2021 during the pandemic a fellow member introduced me to Friendly Circle Berlin, embodying the teaching of emotional sobriety. Both were new to me. Living in an area without local meetings, I was very familiar and comfortable in an online setting. The new pandemic normal, had been my normal for a long time.
Dr. Allan Berger was my first exposure to Emotional Sobriety. During the Q&A he invited me to wake up from my sleep.....I was asleep, comfortable with the habits I had as a recovered eater, yet looking for an enhancement to my recovery. I was in for an awakening. I woke up – I woke up to unconditional love, the gift of unmanageability, the gift of the pause.
How do these gifts work in my life? What is my new normal now honouring and embracing these gifts?
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE sets me free – free from the need of recognition, praise and reward. Resentments and unconditional love do not mix. I can clear my resentments and other disturbances with the help of step 10, ask God of my non-understanding for direction and a solution, even if the solution is just to trust and not take any action (a tough challenge as it requires patience). Unconditional love for others allows me to be free of judgment, mind reading and practice acceptance and peace with others.
Unconditional love for myself allows me to be free of judgment, the compulsion to act out, and practice acceptance and inner peace. Everyone including myself are perfect in God’s world in this moment.
UNMANGEABILITY -....that my life is unmanageable.....difficult or impossible to control or manage (as per Merriam Webster). CONTROL....I have never met an addict who doesn’t love control. The BB tells me that “we know that no alcoholic ever recovers control” (BB pg 30). Not ever? Never? OH NO.
Finding the key to unmanageability truly sets me free as I discover I cannot control...anything....anyone. Embracing unmanageability takes me into being empowered as I am set free....I am free to find a God of my understanding and make decisions in life that feel peaceful....peacefully connected to God/HP/intuition.
THE PAUSE....”As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.” (BB pg 87). Chosing to pause, means I cannot fail to be recovered (from a hopeless state of mind and body – not cured – based on a daily reprieve). If I pause before I take the first compulsive action (bite in my case), as ask for the right thought or action, it is clear that the God of my non-understanding wants me to practice unconditional love and let go of this intention. I pause. I ask. I find a peaceful solution. I am peaceful. The compulsion is gone (food, alcohol, drugs, control, money, shopping.....make the list).
For now, I chose to pause and let you ponder on my share. Feel free to reach out to me via email millieoapp@outlook.com and I am happy to respond, discuss or share. This is not a dissertation on my recovered life – no need to defend. This is what works for me.....what emotional sobriety has created in my life of love and gratitude. (more to follow on both).
Be blessed. Be well......join me on the road to Happy Destiny and may God bless you and keep you until then.
Millie